Infertility is such an ugly word. I have grown to really hate it. That one word has brought me more sadness than I want to admit. I have many friends who have battled this as well. It's way more common than we think and unless you have lived it, you have NO idea how it feels or what it does to you, mentally and physically.
We started "trying" to have a baby in January of 2009. We would have been happy to get pregnant, but not devastated if it didn't happen the first few months. Month after month went by and we had nothing. I grew very tired of hearing, "Just relax and it will happen." If you have dealt with infertility, you know how I wanted to punch people in the face when they would tell me that. It's so insensitive. Just don't say it...
After 2 years of trying, I decided it was time to see a doctor. Something obviously wasn't right. For about 4 months I had countless Ultrasounds, took Clomid, developed an ovarian cyst, received HCG injections, and had an HSG test performed. Everything was normal. Nothing was wrong. Why wasn't this happening for us? I found myself getting angry when others announced their pregnancies. Especially when it was people younger than myself. It just didn't seem fair. We wanted a child so incredibly bad.
I had to step away from infertility treatments in August of 2011. We had just found out that we were moving 700 miles away from our home. I had to pack up my life and move half way across the country. I just had too much going on.
I got pregnant a month later. Out of the blue. Totally unexpected. That month, I didn't take a pregnancy test 6 days before my missed period only to be let down. I actually, for the first time in 2 years and 8 months, didn't even know I was 3 days late!
My husband was out of town when I took that test. I wanted so badly to wait and tell him after he got back home but after almost 3 years of infertility, I was bursting at the seams!
I had to remind myself that it is always God's timing, not ours. He gave us that precious miracle at the perfect time in our lives. Sometimes that is so hard to grasp. Sometimes it takes heartache and tears to be able to really appreciate those amazing blessings that He gives us.
My husband and I can't just decide we want to have a baby and try for 2 months and get knocked up. It just doesn't happen like that for us. I've come to be ok with that. I just pray and God knows my heart. I hope for more children in the future and pray that God blesses our family again. Until then, I will love on the precious gift that he has already given us. Our sweet Eli is the light of our lives. We feel so incredibly blessed to have him.
You can read about the anniversary of the end of my infertility battle here.